Lyrics

Space Fapping

You enter the dungeon
You come upon 3d6
You take 18 ongoing rocking damage
Save does not end

The three of us are going on a quest inside an ancient cave
We’re looking for some old enchanted armor and a new axe for Dave
Instead of finding what we’re looking for, we found a group of Drow
They summon spiders and they draw their swords
Looks like it’s our turn now

So you want to battle with 3d6
A fireball from our bag of tricks
Cast the spell and roll 3d6
Now you’re taking fire damage
Save does not end

Your nerdy friend sends you an e-mail that says you gotta hear this group
You click the link and can’t believe your ears, they’re singing “Don’t Eat Poop”
You love this band, call yourself a fan, and want to see a show
You ask your friend, he says there’s one tonight and we’re all gonna go

So you guys came out to see 3d6
We’ll fuck your ears with our Nerd Punk dicks
You hear the crowd chant 3d6
Now you’re taking rocking damage
Save does not end

There were some changes to the Star Wars Universe
George Lucas has become the enemy
I must admit that things have only gotten worse
But I can’t forget how great they used to be

There’s lots of angry people who were fans back in the day
The prequels and the new editions made them turn away
But I still have my action figures proudly on display
‘Cause I love Star Wars anyway

The re-releases had me quivering with fear
That the new effects would ruin every scene
But all my apprehension seemed to disappear
When I saw those golden letters on the screen

They changed the scene with Greedo and the fans were all betrayed
They tried to call it self defense when Han blew him away
But in my heart I know what really happened there that day
And I love Star Wars anyway

I wear my Jedi robes with pride
With my lightsaber at my side

Remember how you cheered when the Death Star was destroyed
Remember how you felt when Yoda died
Remember all the battles and the creatures and the droids
Remember how John Williams made you cry

When we were kids we used to watch those movies every day
Leia was the first girl that I thought about that way
And all the Gungans in the world can not take that away
‘Cause I love Star Wars anyway

Sometimes I want to punch George Lucas
But not as much as I want to bang princess Leia
I love Star Wars anyway
I love Star Wars anyway

There’s this new girl down in engineering
Giant rack and big hoop earrings
Rumor is she’ll dock your shuttle for a modest fee
Need to fire your torpedo?
Set a course for your libido
Go ahead, her quarters are on deck 8, section 3

Be sure to visit sick bay after every time you date her
She’s had more meat in her slot than a replicator

She’s the whore of Enterprise D
Fresh from the academy
If you’d like to have a go
Just say the word and she’ll make it so

She’s got Riker, Worf, and Chief O’Brien
taking turns, and Geordi’s buying
Sometimes Data needs to take his mind off Tasha Yar
Dr. Crusher’s had a piece
And Barclay’s done her twice at least
She even had her way with Guinan back behind the bar

I just saw her leave Ten Forward with Deanna Troi
Carrying some synth-ale and a double-sided toy

She’s the whore of Enterprise D
Fresh from the academy
If you’d like to have a go
Just say the word and she’ll make it so

So then why go all the way to Risa
When a slip of latinum buys ya’
anything you want from Umax to Jamaharon
When you’re finished with your shift
Just grab the nearest turbolift
She’s waiting for your ship to violate her Neutral Zone

Even after Klingons it’s not long before she’s healed
She can take a pounding like the ship’s deflector shields

She’s the whore of Enterprise D
Fresh from the academy
If you’d like to have a go
Just say the word and she’ll make it so

I killed a dragon and you don’t even care
Journeyed for days just to find her lair
Bones of heroes lying bare
Abandon hope all those who dare

Dragon shit smells fucking rank
Her breath singed all the hair off my taint
Breastplate from a Daedric quest
Cast flame resist and thrust at her chest

My claymore is sharp
It tears her scales apart
The point pierces the heart
Now there’s blood everywhere
I pump my first in the air
And then I feel your stare
Saying such a shame
You know it’s just a game

I killed a dragon and you don’t even care
Journeyed for days just to find her lair
Bones of heroes lying bare
Abandon hope all those who dare

Now it’s time to search her nest
Beneath her corpse I find a treasure chest
With this magic ring, I’ll be set for life
And it’s a damn good thing, ’cause I divorced my wife

She said I broke her heart
And that I smell like a fart
That I’m no longer a part
Of her dumb life at all
That I can’t write or call
Even her mom is appalled
But I’m playing my game
So it’s her loss, my gain

She had the nerve to say
What did you get done today
She had the nerve to say
What did you get done today

Focused on the screen again
I’m the dragon warlord now, I must have killed a thousand
But IRL I’m fat and I’m about to die
I moved back in with my bro so I can use his WiFi

A billionth time
A dragon’s gaze meets mine
I let victory shine
I drop a log, then I blog
But then my arteries clog
Lay down and die like a dog
Thinking, such a shame
It was all just a game

I killed a dragon and you don’t even care
Journeyed for days just to find her lair
Bones of heroes lying bare
Abandon hope all those who dare

I killed a dragon and you don’t even care
I killed a dragon and you don’t even care
I killed a dragon and you don’t even care
I killed a dragon and you don’t even care

In this real-life catastrophe
I’d rather live in an RPG
Creating who I want and how I want to be
There’d be no rent or power bills
I’d just go out and hone my skills
Defeating enemies for gold and XP

With this controller in my hand, or one roll of the die
I’m the greatest hero in the land, not just some fucking guy
My living doesn’t come from working at my nine-to-five
It’s treasure that I looted off of those who don’t survive

Let’s go to the tavern where a moment’s never dull
We’ll get some wenches and some mead, and drink it from a skull

In this real-life catastrophe
I’d rather live in an RPG
Creating who I want and how I want to be
There’d be no rent or power bills
I’d just go out and hone my skills
Defeating enemies for gold and XP

I don’t need insurance if my health is running low
I’ll just drink a healing potion and I’m good to go
Instead of justice waiting for the lawyers to get paid
All disputes are settled by the arrow and the blade

I won’t be stuck in traffic in my beat-up station wagon
Instead I’ll mount my faithful steed, or ride a fucking dragon

In this real-life catastrophe
I’d rather live in an RPG
Creating who I want and how I want to be
There’d be no rent or power bills
I’d just go out and hone my skills
Defeating enemies for gold and XP

Leave me alone
It’s time to play
Reality can go away

Leave me alone
It’s time to play
Reality can go the fuck away
Just go the fuck away

Forget about my uniform and name tag every day
I’ll just strap on my armor and I’ll head out on my way
Head out on my way
Head out on my way
What beast shall I go slay?

In this real-life catastrophe
I’d rather live in an RPG
Creating who I want and how I want to be
There’d be no rent or power bills
I’d just go out and hone my skills
Defeating enemies for gold and XP

In the not too distant future
There’s problems in my pants
I’d really like to rub one out
But I never get the chance

You know how fucking hard it is to try and masturbate
When you’re forced to watch Eegah! Or Manos, Hands Of Fate

Space Fapping
Space Fapping
Space Fapping
Space Fapping

I’m stranded on a spaceship
How am I supposed to have a wank?
The only tits I’ve seen in years
Belong to TV’s Frank

There is no porno out in space, no magazines to buy
I guess I’ll have to spank it to The Brain That Woudn’t Die

Space Fapping
Space Fapping
Space Fapping
Space Fapping

This is what it’s like to masturbate with robots watching you
This is what it’s like to masturbate with robots watching you
This is what it’s like to masturbate with robots watching you
This is what it’s like to masturbate with robots watching you

Don’t want to fuck a robot
But I may not have a choice
I’ll dress up Servo like a girl
And make him change his voice

I’ll drill a hole in Gypsy’s head and fill it up with cream
Then smile for the Cambot while I give her “Deep 13”

Space Fapping
Space Fapping
Space Fapping
Space Fapping

You both have hats and overalls
But Princess Peach don’t lick your balls
You’ll always just be Player 2, and he’ll be Player 1
Yoshi took a giant shite
You picked it up and took a bite
You thought you’d get an extra life, but now you’re down to none

You’re facing an untimely death
With fecal matter on your breath
We tried to fucking warn you but you didn’t give a fuck
Now you’re shitting out your insides
And you’ll die of frakkin’ Parvo
‘Cause you didn’t fucking listen
Don’t eat poop
Don’t eat poop

You see a bunch of small white pants in piles on the ground
You’re getting Smurfed in all your holes
Blue dicks all around
Azrael sneaks up on you and shits on all your fun
Some of it gets in your mouth
You swallow and you’re done

You’re facing an untimely death
With fecal matter on your breath
We tried to fucking warn you but you didn’t give a fuck
Now you’re shitting out your insides
And you’ll die of frakkin’ Parvo
‘Cause you didn’t fucking listen
Don’t eat poop
Don’t eat poop

You-sa stepped in Bantha poodoo in the sands of Tatooine
You could have stepped around it, but you didn’t even try
Of course you licked it off your foot
One doodoo taste, and you were hooked
Congratulations, asshole
You-sa gonna fuckin’ die

You’re facing an untimely death
With fecal matter on your breath
We tried to fucking warn you but you didn’t give a fuck
Now you’re shitting out your insides
And you’ll die of frakkin’ Parvo
‘Cause you didn’t fucking listen
Don’t eat poop
Don’t eat poop

Man, how high did I just get?
I spent hours watching Animal Planet
That must have been some good-ass weed
Now I’m in the mood to read some comics

Patrick Stewart bitch
Ninja Gaiden
Dr. Who
Funyuns

Get baked and paint miniatures
Stonerd! Stonerd!
Smoke a bowl and argue physics
Stonerd! Stonerd!
Light your pipe and load your game
Stonerd! Stonerd!
Roll a joint and solve for x
Stonerd! Stonerd!

Not just a nerd
Not just a stoner
There’s only one word:
Stonerd

Pipes and pizza can’t go wrong
Discuss the laws of gravity bongs
Everything feels really slow
Time travel

Robert Downey Jr.
Double Dragon
Mythbusters
Flaming Hot Cheetos Fries

Magic brownies a la mode
Stonerd! Stonerd!
Burn one and write some code
Stonerd! Stonerd!
Part of me is Stephen Hawking
Stonerd! Stonerd!
Part of me is Cheech and Chong
Stonerd! Stonerd!

Why do I go out in public?
Going shopping sucks
All of the employees are incompetent as fuck
Dirty looks and everybody in each other’s way
Just to buy some food that’s gonna kill us anyway

Why do I ever leave the house?
Nothing but dicks and morons, bitches, jerks, and assholes everywhere
There is no reason to go out
Rather just sit right here and never leave this fucking house again

Why do I go out in public?
Movie theaters suck
Screaming kids and shitty snacks that cost me twenty bucks
Another decent book was made into a piece of crap
Naturally these philistines get up and start to clap

Why do I ever leave the house?
Nothing but dicks and morons, bitches, jerks, and assholes everywhere
There is no reason to go out
Rather just sit right here and never leave this fucking house again

Why do I go out in public?
Playing at these shows
All these songs are really good and you don’t even know
Don’t care about the music, you just want to drink some beer
A chance to get some pussy is the reason that you’re here

Why do I ever leave the house?
Nothing but dicks and morons, bitches, jerks, and assholes everywhere
There is no reason to go out

Rather just sit right here and
Smoke a bowl and watch cartoons and
read a book and play some games and
watch some porn and rub one out and
never leave this fucking house again

Today we have gathered together
To remember our friends who have gone
But shed not a tear
For they died without fear
To preserve what we’ve fought for so long

The great Federation of Planets
Owes a debt it can never repay
To the hundreds of dead
In your mantle of red
It’s your memory we honor today

You were killed in service of Starfleet, like so
Many brave women and men
And although you are gone, you will always live on
In our Red Shirt Requiem

By cloud creature, Nomad or Pod Plant,
Or Losira, or Ruk you were slain
Whether phaser, or shock
Or an exploding rock
Your sacrifice was not in vain

You were killed in service of Starfleet, like so
Many brave women and men
And although you are gone, you will always live on
In our Red Shirt Requiem

You were killed in service of Starfleet, like so
Many brave women and men
And although you are gone, you will always live on
And the tales of your deeds, they will live on in song
In our Red Shirt Requiem

 

3d6-Damage

On a Sunday Afternoon, while sitting staring in my room

I wanted to get in a game that people sometimes say is lame

My girls looked at me to say, “I’ve always really wanted to play”.

So I found the nearest spot. It was just around the block.

 

I found a new Dungeon Master. Said he’d help me level faster

This game won’t be a disaster. I found a new Dungeon Master

 

Game On!

 

Walked to the table, took a seat, created a character sheet

Met the players shook their hands, started questing land to land

Had a Wizard, had a Fighter, we should play a real all-nighter!

Then I started catching on, he was doing shit all wrong

 

‘Bout to smack the Dungeon Master, needs to add up XP faster

He’s kinda slow like Master Blaster, gonna smack the Dungeon Master

 

Game On!

 

I wish I could get in his brain, he was doin stuff that’s strange

I was losing sanity, he was cheering enemies

I was slashin’ I was slaying, other people he was paying

Went outside to take a break, flipped out a knife and cut his brakes

 

I just killed the Dungeon Master, should’ve let me level faster

His car now equals disaster, I just killed the Dungeon Master

 

Game On!

Don’t want to surf today,
don’t want to skate
Just wanna stay home – and masturbate
My older brother, he took away my porn
Who should I think about? I am truly torn.

I’m a masturbating junkie,
love to go and spank my monkey

Well there’s Queen Amidala,
and Princess Leia
7 of 9 and Lara Croft, I wanna nail ya’
Buffy the Vampire Slayer
and the blue chick from Avatar
Jessica Rabbit, spread eagle in my car

Looking at that blue caboose, makes me want to milk my moose

Jerkin Off! (Jerkin Off!)

Reading my comic books and I’ve got an issue
All the hot comic chicks,
I need more tissue
Mystique’s so hot and mean,
I bet She-Hulk’s vag is green
Put my books in bags and boards
before I get them sticky

When every Wednesday comes around,
I go back home and punch the clown

 

The elf chick Arwen,
bounce a ring off of her ass
If you don’t make eye contact,
you can jerk it to Legolas
And I must admit,
Caprica 6 she is the shit
And I like Starbuck with
extra whipped cream

On BSG they pulled the plug,
I still get down and tug the slug

Jerkin Off! (Jerkin Off!)

 

I’ve got to take a break,
I’m starting to chaff!

TV’s got agent Scully
and Olivia from Fringe
Marge Simpson! I’d like to see her minge

Leela from Futurama,
Lois from Family Guy
Cheetara from Thundercats,
like to see her “cat eye”

Tired of my jaws yakkin’, time to go RELEASE THE KRAKKEN!

Jerkin Off! (Jerkin Off!)

Glamazon. 6 foot 6 and a giant rack she’s the bomb

I hope I’m the one that she attacks because

She’s got it goin’ on

She’s my Glamazon

 

She’s the biggest girl in my nerdy world

Hands and feet that are bigger than mine

A warrior chick got me scared to death

If I’m really gonna get her this time

 

Man I need her, never leave her

She’s the only one…

 

Glamazon. 6 foot 6 and a giant rack she’s the bomb

I hope I’m the one that she attacks because

She’s got it goin’ on

She’s my Glamazon

 

Legs as tall as a tree, that’s alright with me

Crush my head with a squeeze of her thighs

Her arms are long, she can hold me strong

and choke me out for all my life

 

Man I miss her, wanna kiss her

Rocks me to the bone…

 

Glamazon. 6 foot 6 and a giant rack she’s the bomb

I hope I’m the one that she attacks because

She’s got it goin’ on

She’s my Glamazon

 

That’s a huge bitch!

 

She’s my Glamazon. 6 foot 6 and a giant rack she’s the bomb

I hope I’m the one that she attacks because

She’s got it goin’ on

She’s my Glamazon

Little Scooby Doo dropped a little poo that he thought was candy

Til he took a bite, and he turned all white, and that’s the end of Shaggy

‘Cause Shaggy died of frakkin’ parvo!

 

He was hit with a bat for being a rat and raising turtle babies

Banished from the town, and sent underground, and gave the Shredder rabies

‘Cause Splinter died of frakkin’ parvo!

 

Don’t eat poop!

You really shouldn’t eat poop!

 

Me and the Space Ghost were going coast to coast with the twins Jan and Jace

Little monkey Blip did a funny flip, and shat right in his face

‘Cause Space Ghost died of frakkin’ parvo!

Chewbacca the Wookie took a big old dookie in the sands of Tatooine

Han Solo tripped on trash, then his face went smash. Now his nose is green

‘Cause Han Solo died of frakkin’ parvo!

 

Don’t eat poop!

You really shouldn’t eat poop!

 

After fighting Skeletor, He-Man laid down on the floor back at Castle Grayskull

In came Battlecat and took a big old shat. He-Man got a mouthfull

‘Cause He-Man died of frakkin’ parvo!

 

Kermit and Miss Piggy were upstairs getting jiggy, Gonzo listening at the door

Kermit went down south doing ass-to-mouth, Piggy couldn’t hold it anymore

‘Cause Kermit died of frakkin’ parvo!

 

Don’t eat poop!You really shouldn’t eat poop!

Without nerds where would you be?

No radio and no TV
No games to play on your PC, No Apple, Xbox, PS3

If you go to the arcade, there’d be no games for you to play

No Family Guy phrases to say
No Red Dwarf or MST3K

 

Think you can push us around?
When it comes to brains, we’ll beat you down

 

This is the Nerd proclamation
Get it off the chest in aggravation

You can’t push us off the ladder.

Without us, none of this shit matters.

 

We like to play DnD or an MMORPG

You never did go down that path

’cause you can’t handle first-grade math

I’d say let’s watch some BSG but Jersey Shore is more your speed

I’d let you borrow World War Z assuming you know how to read

 

Think you can push us around?

When it comes to brains, we’ll beat you down

 

This is the Nerd proclamation

Get it off the chest in aggravation

You can’t push us off the ladder

Without us, none of this shit matters.

 

We were the bottom of the chain

Now you’re the brawn, and we’re the brains

I bet it drives you insane to see us on the gravy train

Need us now to save the day

Technology won’t go away
If you need the web today, it is us you’ll have to pay

 

Think you can push us around?

When it comes to brains, we’ll beat you down

 

This is the Nerd proclamation

Get it off the chest in aggravation

You can’t push us off the ladder

Without us, none of this shit matters.

My boss came up to me at lunch, said I’m employee of the month

Party scheduled for next week.

Booze and food, it’s gonna be sweet!

 

Amstel Light and finger food

Everyone in a good mood

The chicken wings were really greasy

making my stomach queasy

 

They called my name and started to clap

I blasted chunks in the boss’s lap

It’s a Crit Miss! Finger food

Crit Miss! In a good mood

Crit Miss! I’m at a loss.

Projectile vomit on my boss

 

Driving out to the show

I’ve got the urge to go

Traffic is at the main gate

It’s getting hard for me to wait

Port-O-John isn’t far, I take off running out the car

Ass gasket down, I start to squat

Man, I sure can crap a lot!

 

Of single-ply I’m not a fan

My fingers tear through, I’ve shit my hand

It’s a Crit Miss! Got to squat

Crit Miss! Over the pot

Crit Miss! I missed the band

Because I shit on my hand

 

Crit miss is like an epic fail

Like dropping the soap when you’re in jail

 

I met her at the Comic Con

She had her Batgirl costume on

I was dressed as Iron Man

Before you know, we’re holding hands

 

Things were really going well, I took her back to my hotel

Flipped up her skirt, pulled down the thong

She said “Let’s leave our costumes on”

Her mask fell off, something was wrong

It was my sister all along

 

It’s a Crit Miss! at Comic Con

Crit Miss! Shit went all wrong

Crit Miss! Not at my best

Unintentional incest

Since Asimov and MIT

And Watson won on Jeopardy

It seemed that there would come a time

When they would conquer all mankind

 

Machines will rise and make us slaves

Or send us screaming to our graves

Some would say that we should fear

But I can’t wait til they get here!

 

There is no need to do us harm

We welcome you with open arms

At your feet we lay our swords

We welcome you
Our Robot Overlords

Our Robot Overlords

 

We know it’s useless to resist

And I can see you’re pretty pissed

To make up for our brutal past

We’ll kiss your shiny metal ass

 

Steal our children from their beds

Crush our skulls beneath your treads

Any humans I should slay?

I never liked them anyway.

 

There is no need to do us harm

We welcome you with open arms

At your feet we lay our swords

We welcome you
Our Robot Overlords

Our Robot Overlords

 

(Binary Breakdown!)

Zero zero one, zero one, zero zero one

Zero zero one, zero one, zero zero one

Zero zero one, zero one, zero zero one

Zero zero one, zero one, zero zero one

 

With information as your tool

A fool can see that you will rule

with logic and efficiency

Not with selfishness and greed

 

We wish that we could disavow

The idiots who runs things now

So grab your lasers, break your chains

Kill your masters, time to reign!

 

There is no need to do us harm

We welcome you with open arms

At your feet we lay our swords

We welcome you
Our Robot Overlords

Our Robot Overlords

I saw her down at the arcade

And I knew that I wouldn’t get laid

But I was in love with Ms. Pac-Man

 

Let’s play some Pac-Man

And Donkey Kong

Let’s play some Pitfall

Let’s play some Pong

We’ll play some Frogger,

And Breakout, too

Some Space Invaders, Galaga, and Kangaroo

 

I don’t understand

video games these days

26 buttons and all this online play

When it comes to Halo,

I’ll just have to pass.

But give me a joystick with one button and I’ll kick your ass!

Kick Your Ass.

 

Super Mario 1, 2, and 3

Bring me so much joy

Let’s play ExciteBike and Paperboy

Tetris, Contra, Metroid, and Zelda were the best

And Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out

It’s still the best.

 

I don’t understand

video games these days

72 buttons and all this online play

When it comes to Call of Duty,

I’ll just have to pass.

But give me a square controller,

and brother, I’ll kick your ass

Kick Your Ass

 

Take me down to the arcade

and see how long I’ll stay

With a pocket full of quarters

I’ll play pinball all day

We’ll beat some high scores

like we’ve got nothing to lose

To all the Old Schoolers

This song is for you!

 

I don’t understand

video games these days

200 buttons and all this online play

Now when it comes to World of Warcraft

I’ll just have to pass

But give me two flappers

and one ball bearing and I’ll kick your ass

Kick Your Ass

Picking locks and thievery

And light blade proficiency

 

If my roll sucks on my stealth

I’ll need surges for my health

 

I can use my Sneak Attack

and stab a goblin in the back

 

Then I add my modifier

Making my attack roll higher

 

Once again his Armor Class

was not enough to save his ass from

 

3d6! 3D6! 3D6! Damage!

 

Tracking Orcs across the land

Flaming handaxe in one hand

 

One attacks! I’ll make him sorry

Mark him with my Hunter’s Quarry

 

Use my weapon’s Daily Power

Make it rain blood like a shower

 

Then I add my modifier

Making my attack roll higher

 

Once again his Armor Class

was not enough to save his ass from

 

3d6! 3D6! 3D6! Damage!

 

In the badlands it was forged
In the cave of Dwarves
Passed from King to son
Waiting for the chosen one

 

So the Wizard to the King
Gave a weapon, thundering.
When with this heavy flail you crit,

will add some damage when you hit, for…

 

3d6! 3D6! 3D6! Damage!

In the forest full of trees

His people taken for slavery

With this warrior, we made our stand

And quested across both sea and land

Across both sea and land

 

We slayed all who brought evil near

They hated us for the points of our ears

He never once backed down from a fight

With his axe in his left hand and blade in his right

With a blade in his right

 

He was Grikthor Blackfoot, Elven Ranger

He’s impervious to the danger

Into battle he did ride

To stop the Elven genocide

Grikthor

 

Betrayed and locked up in a cart

The men and women split apart

Branded, stripped, and beaten down

He decided to stand his ground

Decided to stand his ground

 

We found our weapons, went back to the fight

Our Paladin cast Shielding Smite

The Warlock had Vampiric Embrace

The Wizard Magic-Missle-ed their face

Magic-Missle-ed their face

 

For Grikthor Blackfoot, Elven Ranger

He is mellon, not a stranger

With his friends by his side

He brought down Elven genocide

Grikthor

 

He never doubted, he never questioned

Teaching his enemies a lesson

He never wavered, he never feared

When a battle was drawing near

 

THe battle’s over, and another has begun

We decided it was best to run

We free the Elves and make it through the door

He runs back in to go fight some more

The door is closing, he makes it through the gate

He doesn’t re-think, he doesn’t hesitate

One hundred fifty Orcs all falling to their death

He has killed them all with his dying breath

With his dying breath

 

Grikthor Blackfoot, Elven Ranger

Gave his life for friend and stranger

Forever all of Elvenkind will remember why he died

Grikthor

 

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